Well, to start out, I never knew what this was, or what this meant until I was 39 years old. I was enjoying a great career, a large group of amazing friends, and I was traveling around the world. I had just been to Italy and London, and was actually in a pretty good place in life. There was only one thing missing, one thing that I wanted with every ounce of my being.... I wanted desperately to be a mom and to have a child.
Some women become moms by chance, some women become moms after they get married, and unfortunately, there are some women who desperately want to have children, but because of fertility challenges, they struggle for years and years to try to become pregnant. My situation was a bit different. But first let's talk about how I got here.
I grew up in a family of 5, my parents and 2 older sisters. My Mom and Dad met in their teens and married at 19 (and are still married today, over 50 years!). I, like many girls, grew up with the storyline in my head.... I would go to college, I would get married, then I would have 2 or 3 children. That is what each of my sisters did, and what many of my friends did. I had a handful of boyfriends in my 20's and 30's, a few were longterm relationships. I always liked being in a relationship, but I was also quite comfortable on my own, an independent aquarian, out in the world, growing her career and having fun.
I honestly don't know if I was in denial, or just not paying attention, but one day, at age 39, I was at my annual well woman visit and my doctor said, "If you are thinking of having children, the time is now." I almost fell off of the exam chair. I said, "What!" All of a sudden the reality of my situation came crashing down on me. I went to college, but I never got married or had children, and now my proverbial biological clock was ticking louder and louder. Some women have a strong desire to be a mom, but if for whatever reason it doesn't happen, they find away to move forward. Some women don't feel the desire to be a mom, and that is OK too. For me, not being a mom, was not an option. For me, being a mom was part of my purpose on this earth, it was part of every cell in my body, there was never a time I did not envision being a mom someday.
So, back to the question, "What is a single mom by choice?"....I was about to find out. After completely panicking and still partially believing that I would find "the one" before I was 40, we would get married, and have twins......that was the story in my mind. Eventually the planner in me took over and I started to do some research. How does one have a baby with no husband, no partner? This was the beginning of the place in my life where I believe I truly started living for the first time. As scary as it was, and as strange as it felt, this was the path that I needed to take. I never grew up thinking that at age 40 I would start the long process of becoming a mom on my own, or what they call, a single mom by choice, but it was my path, and I was ready.
I was somewhat surprised to find through my research that there were actually many women out there who were doing just this. I was even able to find a local organization and mustered up the courage to go meet some of these women. This was the first step, seeing and meeting women in my same shoes, single, and wanting to become a mom. They called us the "Triers" or "TTC" (Trying to Conceive.) There were also moms there that did succeed and brought their kids and were mentors to those of us who were still in the thinking or trying phase. It was at this very first meeting that I met another woman, it was her very first meeting as well, little did I know, we would begin this journey together and follow and support each other as friends with a common goal of becoming moms. We are still friends today.
This began a long process of research, saving money, visiting a reproductive endocrinologist, test after test, procedure after procedure. Then, finally I made the decision to move forward. I wrote a letter to my family (which I still have) and made the announcement on my 40th birthday ski trip to all my friends in Mammoth..."Guess what, I am going to try to become a mom, all on my own". To my astonishment, everyone was very supportive. I am sure they thought I was crazy, but they were all very supportive. Especially my family, I could not have made it through this journey without them.
Four years later, a week after my 44th birthday, I gave birth to my son Brayden, the joy of my life! After 4 years of fertility treatments, blood draws, diagnostic tests, pills, injectables, highs, lows, IVF, and 2 back-to-back miscarriages, I finally found my Brayden, my very last embryo gave me the blessing of a lifetime. The details of this process are for another post, as in no way do I want to minimize what I went through trying to conceive my son, but to bring this post to an end, let's finally answer the question.
To me, a single mom by choice is a woman who decides that she deserves to be a mom just as much as any other women, married or not, in a relationship or not. She is a woman who knows with every part of her soul that she was meant to be a mom. Having a partner or a husband does not instantly make you worthy of being a mom. This is every woman's god given right. And for that matter, being a step- parent, or adopting a child, or having a child trough a surrogate, these are all perfectly loving ways to become a mom. Although I do not feel like this was necessarily a "choice" to not get married or not have a child with a significant other, but rather a choice to become a mom all on my own, because that is where my life brought me. I do hope someday to be in a relationship, but for now, I am a mom, I have my son, and my life became what it is today when Bren met Bray!
To hear more of my story, you can listen to the Motherhood Reimagined Podcast by clicking on this link. Or to contact me, please email brenmeetsbray@gmail.com.
Please also follow our adventures on Instagram @brenmeetsbray
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